It’s not the first time I tripped going down the stairs because I got distracted by my phone, but it was the most debilitating. The day before Thanksgiving, I sprained my ankle, and 10 days out the swelling hasn’t fully subsided. Partly it’s because hours later I walked a couple miles each way for a movie field trip. I didn’t think to ace bandage it until I was home and the ankle was enormous. It’s smaller now, but not as much as I might hope, in part because I was told to rest and my job does not abide.
Even sub-contracting out my dog walks to The Awesome Wife, I cracked 10k steps four out of the six school days since the sprain, and the other two were over 8k and 9k. The job, or at least the way I do the job, has me in constant motion. Standing to deliver a lesson, walking around to check in and help kids, walking them outside for a break or down the hall to lunch, roaming the halls to check in with teachers or make copies or fetch books. Maybe teaching is all that keeps me from morbid obesity.
And nothing like having a leg majorly compromised to shine a light on my ever crooked step count. I decided to track my school day steps this year, created a spreadsheet and entered data from my phone, then set up a series of formulas and did actual math despite being an English teacher. I am of mixed opinions about data in teaching, but my step data tells a story! And mostly that story is pretty obv: I take more steps at school. November’s school day totals were 16% higher than the month overall, and the other two months were 15% and 8% higher. I could wave around specific numbers, but who really wants to know I’ve taken almost 600,000 steps this school year?
Bear in mind that a daily dog walk contributes to my total, as does my entire TIME NOT TEACHING (thunderous applause). On the other hand, I lost my fitbit in a spa robe seven years ago and I haven’t yet acquiesced to a smart watch. Steps I take with my phone on the counter are not included. It’s an imperfect measure, but I do take more steps than I did when I worked in an office or a sitcom writers room. The movie set was more strenuous, as was my first job at McDonald’s,. Clerking at Cumberland Farms was somewhere in between.
Anyway, it will be nice to have my right leg back in the game. My left leg is a whole other nightmare, so it was not great teaching on two bum legs. But you play the hand you’re dealt and I’m looking forward to a stronger hand this week. Stronger ankle You see what I’m getting at.
The Urban Blah
Back in 2009-11 I collaborated with the brilliant Vee to make a webcomic that failed to become syndicated across the globe. I am pro-recycling.
This was Vee’s idea, the above with him asking if she’d changed the color settings. But I doubt The Real life Wife has ever opened a television settings, but I could see him messing it up and forgetting to change it back. I pitched having it be both of them.
I like both versions. But while I don’t believe The Real Life Wife could even find the color settings, I very much believe she’s capable of sitting on the remote. Today’s comic would be about a dog stepping on the remote, as they often do. Also, Vee has a substack, you should subscribe!
Jam(s) of the Week
Usually I come back from shows disappointed the band didn’t play much off their first album. I love debuts, bands at their most elemental, the songs that earned their first notoriety, made before they were famous. Bands tend to “evolve” into something I don’t like any more, and that’s what they always play at concert, throwing you just a bone or two.
So it was a huge relief and joy to see a Liz Phair show where she just played her first album. In order! (I’m looking at you, Built to Spill.) She sounds and looks great, and I love going to shows with The Awesome Wife. We think this was the first show she’s ever brought ME to. I’m often her plus-one, but rarely in a rock context. I’m a casual fan, but I called that she’d do “Supernova” as an encore (duh). It brought me back to the time I convinced a colleague to add that to his video for roman assembly. Only as it played did I remember her school-inappropriate volcano simile. Song slapped, though.
My Back Pages
From my half-hearted redux blog Surgical Strikes 2.0. “That time my hat blew under a subway car,” Nov 1, 2014:
It was the night I was coming back from purchasing elements of my Halloween costume. I had left the store thinking goth Willy Wonka, but on Halloween I just dressed funny and told people I was the secretary of education. “The real secretary of education doesn't dress like this,” I’d admit to perplexed sixth graders. “His tie is much bigger.” It was a good costume.
One of my all-time favorite costumes. Here I am reprising it in 2021, augmented because masks were still mandatory:
At the time, Secretary of Labor Marty Walsh was mayor of Boston and lived down the street. I remember seeing him while I was dressed like this, we waved to each other. The Awesome Wife says I’m a cartoon character, and experience like that are of why.
The clerk had laughed when he gave my top hat its own bag, and I had to admit I found it excellent. At the station, I put my backpack and two costume bags on the ground, and I waited for the train. When it arrived, the wind blew my hat bag several feet away. I ran after it, but it kept blowing farther down the platform. I was just a guy chasing his hat.
It’s a well-worn comedic staple, and not helping me dodge the accusation of being a cartoon.
But all the oncoming train could see was a guy running toward the tracks as a train was pulling into the station. So he honked at me. I stopped. And I watched as my hat blew onto the tracks and got run over by the Red Line train.
Of course my hat blew under a train car within 15min of purchasing it. Because I’m a cartoon character.
There goes $12, I thought. I figured I’d buy a replacement hat locally tomorrow. Frustrating, but not debilitating.
I also could have gone back and bought another one, but somehow that didn’t cross my mind.
When the train left, I went to survey the damage. And the hat was fine! I had also purchased a cane, so I laid on the ground and used it to tap the hat into the bag, then catch a handle and lift it up.
A multi-step process, I felt like MacGyver.
The hat was fine! I gave a thumbs up to the guy who’d watched the whole thing unfold, then clipped the hat bag onto my backpack and got back to doing a crossword puzzle on my phone.
It's not easy being the secretary of education.
If this had happened now, this would be a video of the entire experience would be perfect for the nononoyes subreddit.